How To Rest Without Guilt When Your Brain Won’t Stop

Daniela Tempesta [00:00:00 - 00:00:44]: [00:00:00] Have you ever secretly wished you could get sick just so you'd have a legitimate reason to rest? [00:00:05] Because I have. [00:00:07] More times than I'd like to admit. [00:00:09] Not because I wanted to be in pain, but because it was the only time I didn't feel guilty for not doing anything. [00:00:16] And in my early 30s, I started getting chronic migraines. [00:00:20] Looking back, it makes perfect sense, because if the only time I was going to allow myself to stop was when I literally physically couldn't keep going, my body was eventually going to force the issue. [00:00:32] And it did. [00:00:33] My migraines were my body's way of pulling the emergency brake when I refused to slow down. [00:00:38] That was a hard realization because it meant it wasn't just a time problem, it was a me problem.

Daniela Tempesta [00:00:45 - 00:01:16]: [00:00:45] I wasn't bad at resting because I didn't have enough time. [00:00:48] I was bad at resting because I wouldn't let myself. [00:00:51] And migraines became the only time I felt justified stopping. [00:00:55] And if you've ever had one, you know having a migraine is not relaxing, right? [00:00:59] Like, this is a lights off, I cannot function. [00:01:02] Someone please, for the love of God, remove my head. [00:01:04] Level of pain. [00:01:06] And here's the part that's really hard for me to admit out loud. [00:01:09] When I would get migraines, there was a small part of me that felt relief because at least I had a reason.

Daniela Tempesta [00:01:17 - 00:01:44]: [00:01:17] I wasn't being lazy, I wasn't wasting time. [00:01:20] I was allowed to stop. [00:01:22] And that's when it clicked. [00:01:24] Pain had become the price of entry for rest. [00:01:27] I didn't know how to slow down. [00:01:28] And I see this all the time with my clients. [00:01:32] They are exhausted, they want to rest, but when they actually try, they feel anxious, guilty, or like they don't even know how. [00:01:40] My clients tell me all the time, I tried to rest and yella, but I didn't know what to do with myself.

Why Is Rest So Hard for High Achievers?

The Roots of Achiever Identity

Daniela Tempesta [00:01:45 - 00:02:23]: [00:01:45] So that's what we're going to talk about today. [00:01:47] We'll discuss why it's so hard for high achievers to rest, the mechanisms behind it, and what you can do to start to shift this pattern. [00:01:54] So let's start with breaking down what's actually happening here. [00:01:58] For a lot of high achievers, this didn't start in adulthood. [00:02:01] It started way earlier. [00:02:03] And as we discussed in episodes one and two, at some point along the way, you probably learned either implicitly or explicitly, that being competent, successful, responsible, got you something important, got you praise, attention, a sense of identity, a feeling of being enough. [00:02:19] And so your system went, yes, please, I'll take more of that. [00:02:22] So you leaned into it.

Daniela Tempesta [00:02:23 - 00:03:05]: [00:02:23] Why not? [00:02:25] You became the one who had it together, the one who performed, the one who delivered. [00:02:29] And when you were doing those things, you felt better. [00:02:32] Not amazing, but settled. [00:02:35] So your brain connected the dots. [00:02:37] Doing equals relief, achieving equal safety. [00:02:40] And over time, that loop gets reinforced over and over and over again. [00:02:46] So you start to feel uncomfortable, you do something productive, you feel a little better, so your brain goes, perfect, we've cracked the code to managing discomfort, and productivity becomes your regulation strategy. [00:03:00] So now as an adult, when we're in doing mode, we feel okay.

The Cycle of Productivity and Discomfort

Daniela Tempesta [00:03:05 - 00:04:03]: [00:03:05] But when we're not in doing mode, it feels like restlessness, irritability, low grade anxiety, that voice going, shouldn't you be doing something right now? [00:03:17] So it makes perfect sense that rest is uncomfortable because your system has learned, doing equals safety, stillness equals discomfort. [00:03:26] But of course, this achiever identity that fused doing with safety is not all that is at play here. [00:03:34] There are several other mechanisms going on and we're going to talk through them. [00:03:38] So the first thing I want to talk about is the concept that rest is earned versus something that's just allowed. [00:03:44] And a lot of high achievers are walking around with this invisible rule of I can rest after I've done enough. [00:03:50] And on paper that sounds reasonable, right? [00:03:53] Like, of course, finish your tasks, then you can rest. [00:03:56] Except enough is a moving target. [00:03:58] You clear your inbox, more emails appear, you finish your work, there's always more you could be doing.

Daniela Tempesta [00:04:04 - 00:04:30]: [00:04:04] You get ahead and then immediately raise the bar again. [00:04:07] So rest becomes this thing that lives in the future. [00:04:10] I'll relax this weekend. [00:04:11] I'll take a break once this project is done. [00:04:13] I'll slow down when things calm down at work and somehow things never end up calming down, because that's just not how life is. [00:04:23] So rest doesn't feel like something you're allowed to do. [00:04:25] It feels like something you have to earn. [00:04:27] And if you haven't earned, it feels a little naughty.

The Invisible Rules and Internal Barriers to Rest

Guilt and the Myth that Rest Must Be Earned

Daniela Tempesta [00:04:31 - 00:05:14]: [00:04:31] So let's say you push through that feeling that you have to earn it and you try to rest anyway. [00:04:38] You sit down, ready to just relax. [00:04:42] And almost immediately, there it is. [00:04:45] Guilt shows up and says, hi, shouldn't we be doing something right now? [00:04:50] And your brain goes, hmm, if I feel guilty, that must mean I'm doing something wrong. [00:04:56] But guilt is a feeling and should is a thought. [00:05:01] But we treat both of them like facts, like they're like an order from the universe that we must follow. [00:05:06] But guilt isn't always a sign that you're doing something wrong. [00:05:09] Sometimes it's just a Sign that you're breaking an old rule and that that is uncomfortable.

Daniela Tempesta [00:05:15 - 00:05:51]: [00:05:15] But let's just say you push through the discomfort and you keep trying to rest despite the guilt. [00:05:21] Then there's the nervous system, because your body might still be like, absolutely not, we're not doing this. [00:05:29] Because if you're used to living in go mode, always thinking, solving, anticipating, slowing down doesn't feel good at first. [00:05:36] It feels agitating. [00:05:39] Imagine that you're going 80 miles an hour on the freeway and suddenly you just start going 20. [00:05:43] Your system is like, no, wrong speed, speed back up, please. [00:05:46] This feels weird. [00:05:49] So there's actually a brain based reason for this too.

Dopamine and the Need for Constant Stimulation

Daniela Tempesta [00:05:51 - 00:06:37]: [00:05:51] When you're constantly doing, your brain is getting little hits of dopamine. [00:05:56] They're tiny rewards. [00:05:57] So you finish something, you get a hit of dopamine, you check your phone, you get a hit of dopamine, you move your project forward, you get a hit. [00:06:04] So your brain gets used to that rhythm and it starts expecting what's next, where's the next hit? [00:06:11] So now when you stop, it's not just that things get quiet. [00:06:15] Your brain is also like, wait, where did my rewards go? [00:06:18] I want those back. [00:06:19] And it starts scanning, looking for something to do, something to fix, something to engage with. [00:06:24] Not because you need to, but because your brain has been trained to keep chasing the next hit. [00:06:30] And then, of course, the world we live in makes this exponentially harder because we now have access to endless stimulation.

Daniela Tempesta [00:06:38 - 00:07:17]: [00:06:38] Your phone is basically a slot machine in your pocket, right? [00:06:41] There's always something to check, something to scroll, something to respond to, a new foreign language to learn. [00:06:47] I mean, it's never ending. [00:06:49] So when you try to rest, there's always that escape hatch waiting for you. [00:06:52] And your brain knows it. [00:06:54] So the second things get quiet or uncomfortable, or maybe even a little boring, you can immediately reach for something that gives you another hit. [00:07:01] And over time, that trains your brain to expect constant input, constant stimulation, constant engagement. [00:07:08] So now it's not just that rest feels unfamiliar. [00:07:12] It actually almost feels like deprivation, like something is missing, like you're supposed to be doing something.

Daniela Tempesta [00:07:18 - 00:07:42]: [00:07:18] So you try to rest and your brain is basically pacing the room. [00:07:21] And you think, I'm bad at relaxing. [00:07:24] I can't do this. [00:07:26] You're not bad at relaxing. [00:07:27] Your brain just hasn't learned how to tolerate the absence of stimulation yet. [00:07:32] And here's a piece you're not going to want to hear, but I'm going to tell you anyway. [00:07:37] Scrolling on your phone does not count as resting. [00:07:40] It doesn't actually give your System what it needs.

Daniela Tempesta [00:07:43 - 00:08:03]: [00:07:43] So you will still walk away tired. [00:07:45] And then you'll say, see? [00:07:46] Rest doesn't work for me. [00:07:48] So let's review what's happening here. [00:07:51] You don't feel like you're allowed to rest. [00:07:52] It's something you have to earn. [00:07:54] When you do try, you feel guilty. [00:07:56] And even when you push through that guilt, your body feels agitated. [00:07:59] And the way you're resting may not actually even be restoring you.

Escaping Discomfort: Overworking as Avoidance

Daniela Tempesta [00:08:04 - 00:08:37]: [00:08:04] But there's even more to the story that we've got to talk about. [00:08:07] For a lot of high achievers, overworking isn't just about ambition. [00:08:12] It's about escape. [00:08:14] It's a very effective way to not have to sit with yourself, because when you stop, you don't just stop doing. [00:08:22] You have to start being. [00:08:25] And being without distraction can feel really uncomfortable. [00:08:30] If there are things inside of you that you've been avoiding. [00:08:32] Old fears, self doubt, loneliness, uncertainty.

Daniela Tempesta [00:08:37 - 00:09:09]: [00:08:37] That quiet question of, is this all there is? [00:08:41] It's gonna get uncomfortable. [00:08:44] So instead of sitting with it, you stay busy. [00:08:46] Not because everything you're doing is that important, but because it keeps you from having to feel what's underneath. [00:08:53] And productivity is a very socially acceptable form of avoidance. [00:08:57] And I'll give you a personal example. [00:09:00] The most productive I've ever been in my life. [00:09:02] The year my mom died. [00:09:05] I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 34, and we were incredibly close.

Daniela Tempesta [00:09:09 - 00:09:38]: [00:09:09] Her death completely uprooted me, and that was such a painful year for me. [00:09:16] And I also got a lot done. [00:09:19] I mean, I was like a freaking freight train, just, like, powering through everything, not stopping. [00:09:25] And I somehow even turned processing my grief into a productivity project. [00:09:28] Like, I went to all the support groups. [00:09:30] I read all the books, did all the journaling. [00:09:32] I was determined to get an A in grief. [00:09:34] What I didn't realize, of course, at the time, is that there's no report card for grief.

Daniela Tempesta [00:09:38 - 00:10:12]: [00:09:38] There's nothing to achieve, nothing to get right. [00:09:41] The only thing to do with grief is to feel it. [00:09:43] And by becoming my most productive self that year, I did anything but feel it. [00:09:49] So, yeah, slowing down is really freaking scary because it creates enough space for all the things you've been running from to finally catch up with you. [00:09:58] Okay, so at this point, you're thinking, all right, Daniela, I get it. [00:10:01] I get it, but what am I actually supposed to do about this? [00:10:04] So let's talk about that. [00:10:05] The goal isn't to suddenly become someone who just loves doing nothing, right? [00:10:10] Like, that's never gonna be you. [00:10:11] Let's be honest.

How to Build Comfort With Resting

Step 1: Make Rest Intentional

Daniela Tempesta [00:10:13 - 00:10:52]: [00:10:13] But the goal is to build your capacity to be with yourself without needing to escape. [00:10:20] And to build a more robust set of internal tools that you can use to help you sit with the discomfort that arises when you do rest, so that you can respond to it differently. [00:10:31] So now we're going to talk through four steps that can help you start to get a little bit more comfortable with rest. [00:10:37] So the first is name it before you do it right? [00:10:41] I know this might sound a little funny, but before you rest, I want you to just set an intention. [00:10:46] Say, I'm gonna rest now. [00:10:48] Rest is a natural human need. [00:10:50] I'm not defective for needing rest. [00:10:52] Reminder.

Daniela Tempesta [00:10:53 - 00:11:30]: [00:10:53] Because right now, rest probably feels indulgent or like something you have to justify or maybe even accidental. [00:11:01] But naming it makes it intentional. [00:11:04] It shifts rest from something you snuck in to something that you're choosing on purpose. [00:11:08] And that starts to retrain your brain. [00:11:11] That rest isn't a mistake, it's a decision. [00:11:14] Number two, we're going to expect the backlash. [00:11:18] Okay? [00:11:18] This is very important. [00:11:20] When you try to rest, your brain is going to have some things to say about it, okay? [00:11:24] I can guarantee you it might tell you you're lazy, that there's too much to do, that rest is for complacent people.

Step 2: Expect and Prepare for Backlash

Daniela Tempesta [00:11:31 - 00:12:01]: [00:11:31] And if any of that comes up, it's okay. [00:11:33] It's just a sign you're doing something new. [00:11:36] And expecting it means you're going to be more prepared to cope with it because you knew it was coming. [00:11:41] Just like when I catch whatever GROSS Bug my 8 year old brings home from school, right? [00:11:45] It's like, I don't want it, but I know it's likely I'm probably gonna catch it. [00:11:49] So when I do catch it, I'm annoyed, but I'm not surprised. [00:11:53] And I've got my vitamin C ready. [00:11:55] So we're gonna expect the backlash. [00:11:58] Number three, separate thoughts from truth.

Step 3: Observe Thoughts, Don't Believe Them

Daniela Tempesta [00:12:01 - 00:12:42]: [00:12:01] This is where we have to get a little bit more skillful. [00:12:04] Okay, so you expected these pesky thoughts to come, but what are you gonna do with them? [00:12:09] And this is where you need to remind yourself that they are not facts, they are not instructions, they are thoughts. [00:12:16] But your brain, it will deliver them like they are instructions, urgently, convincingly, repeatedly. [00:12:23] So instead of automatically believing them, instead I want you to try just starting to notice them. [00:12:29] And the best way to create a little space from your thoughts is to try adding this sentence in front of them. [00:12:36] I notice I'm having the thought that. [00:12:39] So it might be. [00:12:39] I notice I'm having the thought that I'm lazy.

Daniela Tempesta [00:12:42 - 00:13:25]: [00:12:42] Or I notice I'm having the thought that tomorrow is going to be more stressful if I let myself rest today. [00:12:49] That small shift really creates space. [00:12:52] Now you're not inside the thought, you're observing it. [00:12:55] And from that place, you actually get to choose what to do next. [00:12:59] Right? [00:13:00] You get to choose. [00:13:00] Am I going to believe this thought or not? [00:13:02] You can say to yourself, just because my brain is telling me that tomorrow will be harder if I rest today doesn't mean it's actually true. [00:13:09] So becoming the observer lets you start to remind yourself of that and to make a different choice when those thoughts come up. [00:13:16] Lastly, we're gonna give our brain some new truths to work with, right? [00:13:20] Because what's really happening here is that you're bumping up against some old rules when you try to rest.

Step 4: Introduce New Truths About Rest

Daniela Tempesta [00:13:26 - 00:14:00]: [00:13:26] Very practiced rules, the ones that say that you have to earn rest and that you should never stop unless everything is done. [00:13:32] So when those thoughts come up, you can just start by naming them, right? [00:13:37] Okay, that's an old tape. [00:13:39] That's the version of me that learned that I had to rest and then introduce something new. [00:13:44] Say to yourself, but there's a different way to do this now. [00:13:47] It's not just okay to rest. [00:13:48] It's necessary. [00:13:50] Not as a reward, not as something you earn, but as a basic requirement for being a human with a nervous system. [00:13:58] And this is the part I really want you to hear.

Practicing Rest: Letting Go of Guilt

Daniela Tempesta [00:14:01 - 00:14:27]: [00:14:01] The goal isn't to rest without guilt. [00:14:04] The goal is to rest even when guilt shows up. [00:14:08] Because that's how you retrain your system. [00:14:12] You don't wait until it feels easy because you might be waiting forever. [00:14:16] Okay? [00:14:16] You practice anyway. [00:14:18] And you let your brain slowly catch up. [00:14:21] So here's something I want you to try this week. [00:14:23] I want you to give yourself 20 minutes of time with no outcome attached.

Daniela Tempesta [00:14:28 - 00:15:15]: [00:14:28] No catching up on things, no doom scrolling, no turning it into something useful. [00:14:34] Just time to do something restorative for you. [00:14:37] Even if that's lay on the couch and stare at the wall. [00:14:40] And instead of trying to feel relaxed, because when we try to feel anything, we usually create the opposite instead. [00:14:47] I want you to just notice what shows up in your body. [00:14:51] What thoughts start to get loud? [00:14:53] What urge do you feel? [00:14:54] Where do you feel the discomfort? [00:14:56] Because that, that's the thing you've been avoiding. [00:15:00] And the more you can practice staying with it, the less your system will need to push you into burnout or anxiety or migraines just to get you to stop. [00:15:11] And I want to just come full circle about the migraines and share that I do still get them.

Listening to Your Body and Creating Change

Daniela Tempesta [00:15:16 - 00:15:45]: [00:15:16] They are much less frequent now, but it is still something I cope with. [00:15:20] The big difference is that now I catch it way earlier and when I feel it coming on, I stop. [00:15:27] No more powering through. [00:15:28] No, I'll rest later. [00:15:30] And sometimes that means I have to cancel on clients just a couple of hours before our sessions and I hate doing that. [00:15:38] But also, I can't keep waiting for my body to force me to rest. [00:15:43] So I have to do it. [00:15:44] And it works.

Daniela Tempesta [00:15:45 - 00:16:15]: [00:15:45] And that's what this is really about. [00:15:47] Learning how to listen before things get so loud. [00:15:51] Because if you don't choose to slow down, your body will choose for you. [00:15:56] And it's usually not so subtle about it. [00:15:59] So if you take one thing from this episode, let it be this. [00:16:03] You don't necessarily need to get better at resting. [00:16:05] You need to get more comfortable being with yourself when nothing is distracting you from yourself. [00:16:12] Because on the other side of that, it's not laziness.

Daniela Tempesta [00:16:15 - 00:16:30]: [00:16:15] It's not falling behind. [00:16:17] It's where things actually start to settle and where you can start to build a life that doesn't require you to burn out just to take a break. [00:16:26] If you know someone who could use some help slowing down, please share this episode with them.