Why Are We Attracted to People or Situations That Aren’t Good for Us?

Daniela Tempesta [00:00:00]:

If you're on any kind of social media, then you've probably heard Jamie Miller's song Babydoll because it is literally everywhere. Like it is spreading like wildfire. And I get why. It's insanely catchy. Jamie Miller is so adorable and likable, and the dance moves are so fun that basically everyone and their moms have posted a video of themselves dancing to it on Instagram. But I think there's another reason that this song has taken off the way it has. The content is so relatable. I mean, the basic premise of the song is him telling a potential love interest, I can tell you might ruin my life, and I would still very much like to sign up for that experience.

Daniela Tempesta [00:00:35]:

At one point, there's a line about seeing that look in someone's eye and knowing that he might be in trouble, followed essentially by, bring it on. If someone's gonna break my heart, it's gotta be you. Which is objectively insane. And also highly relatable.

When I first discovered the song, I sent it to one of my best friends and she responded, "Oh look, it's a song about your love life." Ha ha ha! Very funny. But unfortunately, she had a point. We'll come back to that part later.

Here's what I find so puzzling about this: Why do we sometimes find ourselves so drawn to people or situations that some part of us knows aren't good for us? And why, even when we can see the red flags waving right in front of our faces, do we keep moving towards them? So today we're gonna talk about some of the psychology behind that attraction, why knowing better doesn't necessarily mean doing better, and most importantly, what we can actually do to change these patterns.

These Patterns Show Up Everywhere

Daniela Tempesta [00:01:32]:

And even if you're happily settled in a healthy relationship, keep listening because these same patterns show up in all kinds of places: food, overworking, chasing achievement, people pleasing. Spending money we don't have on things we don't need. Basically all the things we know probably aren't doing us any favors, but we somehow keep finding ourselves doing them anyway.

And the good news is changing these patterns doesn't necessarily require us to stop wanting the things that aren't good for us. It requires us learning how to respond differently when that desire does show up, which if I'm being honest, is easier said than done.

And I know this not just because I've spent more than 20 years working as a therapist, But also because I've had plenty of firsthand experience.

The Relationship That Felt Like a Burning Building

There's one relationship in particular that comes to mind. A few years after my divorce, I started dating someone and almost immediately knew there was trouble ahead.

Daniela Tempesta [00:02:25]:

There were definitely red flags. There were things about the situation that made me anxious. He still lived with his soon-to-be ex-wife. His kids didn't know he was getting a divorce, and he came on very fast and very strong.

And if I had been presented with those same exact facts about one of my clients' relationships, I could have given her a very clear assessment as to why she should proceed with major caution. And yet there I was, apparently deciding that all my professional training was more of a suggestion than an actual guide to making decisions. Because the chemistry was intense. It was exciting.

Daniela Tempesta [00:02:58]:

It felt different. He made me feel special. He showed up in so many of the ways that my previous partner hadn't. And while there was this incredible pull towards him, there was also another part of me that was screaming, danger! Abort mission.

At one point, I remember talking to my therapist— yes, I have one of those too— and saying, I feel like I can see that the house is on fire and I'm still walking inside. Which raises a pretty obvious question: why the heck would you walk into a burning building?

And before we get into the psychology of all of this, I'll answer the question I know you're wondering. So did it end in disaster? Yes, of course it did. And it took me some time to put the pieces back together.

Daniela Tempesta [00:03:41]:

And once I did, I swore I would never make that mistake again. So I'm gonna share what I've learned both from a professional and a personal perspective.

Why We Do This: Three Reasons

Let's start with a few quick notes on why we do this in the first place. Honestly, I think there's a lot of reasons, but today I'm going to focus on 3 of what I see as being the biggest culprits. So let's jump in.

Reason 1: We Confuse Activation With Chemistry

Reason number 1, sometimes we confuse activation with chemistry. We tend to talk about chemistry as though it's this like magical intuitive knowing, like you meet someone and there's just this spark. You can't stop thinking about them.

Daniela Tempesta [00:04:15]:

Your stomach does somersaults when their name pops up on your phone, and you almost feel high when you're together. And sometimes that really is genuine attraction, but sometimes what we experience as chemistry is also nervous system activation, AKA anxiety. Uncertainty is activating. Being slightly unavailable is activating. Feeling incredibly close to someone one minute and unsure about them the next is activating.

And when your nervous system is constantly getting activated in this way, your brain may mistakenly interpret that as chemistry, which means maybe the butterflies aren't always saying, this person is amazing and they must be my soulmate. Sometimes the butterflies are saying, I don't feel particularly safe right now, and I'm really motivated to get this person to make me feel safe again. 'Cause here's the tricky part.

Daniela Tempesta [00:05:08]:

When someone is making us feel uncertain or insecure, getting their attention or reassurance can temporarily make that anxiety go away. And it feels good. It's like a soothing balm. I mean, I'm sure we've all had that moment when we don't hear from someone for a little while, and when we finally do, we're flooded with this relief, which can feel incredible, almost Euphoric. So we can start confusing the feeling of relief from anxiety with the feeling of love. Not quite as romantic, is it?

So it's worth asking yourself, is this really chemistry I'm feeling, or is it just anxiety in a ball gown? And by the way, the two aren't mutually exclusive. You can be genuinely attracted to someone and also be experiencing anxiety about the relationship. The point isn't to dismiss the attraction.

Daniela Tempesta [00:05:54]:

It's to recognize that intensity by itself doesn't tell us whether a relationship is good for us.

Reason 2: Familiar Feels Compelling

Okay. Reason number 2, sometimes what feels familiar also feels oddly compelling. This is one of the stranger things about being human. We consciously want what feels good, but unconsciously we're often drawn towards what feels familiar. And those aren't necessarily the same thing.

If love at some point in your life became associated with Proving, wondering, fixing, earning, pursuing, or trying to get someone to choose you, there can be something strangely compelling about a relationship that asks you to do those things again. Not because you enjoy suffering, not because you secretly want an unhealthy relationship, but because some part of you just recognizes the terrain.

Daniela Tempesta [00:06:42]:

It feels familiar, and familiar feels good, like an old pair of slippers that are super worn in. Think about it. If you're used to having to work really hard to get someone's attention or affection, then meeting someone who makes you work for it can feel strangely normal.

You know how to do this. You know how to pursue. You know how to analyze every interaction. You know how to try a little harder, be a little more understanding, give a little more. You have an entire skillset built around this dynamic, and sometimes that familiarity gets mistaken for compatibility.

Daniela Tempesta [00:07:15]:

We like to imagine that our nervous systems are probably searching for what's good for us, but sometimes they're just really good at recognizing what they've seen before and saying, ooh, that's what we need. That's familiar.

Reason 3: We Want to Change the Ending

Okay. Reason number 3: sometimes we want to change the ending. And this one really gets me because sometimes I don't think we're only pursuing the person, we're pursuing what Getting the person would mean, maybe this unavailable person will choose me. Maybe this complicated person will become uncomplicated for me. Maybe the person who wasn't sure they wanted a relationship will meet me and suddenly become sure that that's exactly what they want. Maybe I can finally get a different ending to a story I've lived before.

Daniela Tempesta [00:08:00]:

Because if I can get this person to love me, choose me, commit to me, whatever it is, then maybe it proves something. That I'm lovable enough, special enough, worth choosing. And suddenly there's a lot more at stake than whether we actually just like the person. We're not just trying to make a relationship work. We're trying to resolve something much older. And I think that's probably part of what was happening for me in the relationship I told you about earlier.

Growing up, I was incredibly close with my mom. I know she loved me deeply and she showed up for me in so many ways.

Daniela Tempesta [00:08:33]:

But she was also distracted. She was building a business. She was dating. She was managing her own anxiety. There were a lot of things competing for her attention.

And as a kid, I think what I wanted more than anything was to feel like I came first, that of all those other things, she would choose me. And even though I knew how much she loved me, I don't think I ever felt completely chosen. So when I found myself in a relationship with someone who wasn't fully available, There was something very familiar about wanting to be the person he would choose above everything else.

Daniela Tempesta [00:09:06]:

And maybe part of me believed that if I could finally get that, it would resolve something I'd been carrying around for a very long time. Which makes me think about that burning building metaphor again. Maybe sometimes we run into the fire because part of us believes that if we can walk into this burning building and somehow come out unharmed, we'll have proven something about ourselves. And maybe finally that original wound will be healed.

Of course, the problem is that another person's ability or willingness to love us isn't actually a reliable measure of our worth. But when we're caught up in that dynamic, it can certainly feel like it is.

Knowing Better Isn't the Same as Doing Better

We might assume that understanding this dynamic would be enough to break free of it, that like once we recognize what's happening, we'd be able to make a different choice. But unfortunately, knowing better and doing better are two very different things.

Daniela Tempesta [00:09:56]:

And in my burning building situation, I knew. I wasn't oblivious to what was happening. I wasn't months into it going, wait, what? There were red flags? No, I saw them. I talked about them. I analyzed them. I was literally discussing them with my therapist. I mean, I could have probably made a freaking PowerPoint presentation about them, and I still wanted him. Because knowing something intellectually and wanting something emotionally are are 2 entirely different things.

Daniela Tempesta [00:10:24]:

I think sometimes we imagine that once we've done the work, we'll stop being attracted to people who activate our shit. Like, we'll only want emotionally available people all of a sudden. We'll see a red flag and immediately get the ick and lose interest. And, you know, that just has not been my experience.

And after more than 20 years of working as a therapist, I can tell you that insight is incredibly valuable. It's essential, but insight alone doesn't necessarily change behavior. You can understand exactly why you do something and still keep doing it. You can know a relationship isn't good for you and still desperately wanna be in it.

Daniela Tempesta [00:11:03]:

You can recognize an old pattern, understand where it came from, and still feel the urge to repeat it.

What Actually Changes Behavior

So if knowing better doesn't actually make us do better, then what actually does? And that's what I wanna spend the rest of the episode on, because understanding why we're attracted to burning buildings is interesting, but figuring out how to stop walking into them, well, that's where things actually start to change.

You Don't Have to Feel Differently to Start Acting Differently

And when it comes to change, here's one thing I want people to really hear. You don't have to feel differently to start acting differently. Okay? So let's just jump right into that.

I talk all the time with my therapy clients about how we don't necessarily get to choose the thoughts that pop into our heads. And we certainly don't always get to choose our feelings or impulses either, but we do get to choose what we do with them. And I think this is one of the biggest misconceptions people have about personal growth, right? They assume that if we understand ourselves well enough, read the self-help books, go to enough therapy, eventually we'll stop wanting those things that aren't good for us.

Daniela Tempesta [00:12:04]:

But as I've already said, that's not necessarily how this works. Oftentimes we have to start behaving differently Even while we still very much want to do the old thing.

The Yellow Light Example

Let me give you an example. Imagine you're someone who has a habit of speeding up every time you see a yellow traffic light. You see yellow, your foot hits the gas. I mean, you wanna make it through before the light turns red. I get it. You've done it hundreds of times.

Daniela Tempesta [00:12:26]:

It's basically automatic at this point. But then one day you realize that this is actually kind of dangerous and you decide you're gonna stop doing it. Great. But here's the thing, the next time you approach a yellow light, What do you think's gonna happen? You're probably still gonna feel the urge to accelerate. And the time after that, probably the same thing. You don't suddenly lose the urge just because you've decided the behavior isn't good for you. That's not how habits work. Instead, you're gonna have to see that yellow light, feel that familiar impulse to hit the gas, and then recognize that as a moment of choice.

Daniela Tempesta [00:12:58]:

You can do what you've always done, or you can do something different. You could hit the brakes.

And at first, hitting the brakes might feel incredibly unnatural. You might feel impatient, annoyed, frustrated, like you're fighting against your own instincts. But every time you practice responding differently, you're interrupting that old pattern. And over time, slowing down may actually start to feel more natural.

Yellow Lights in Relationships

Now think about how this applies to relationships. You meet someone, the chemistry is intense.

Daniela Tempesta [00:13:23]:

They're exciting, incredibly attractive, next level charming, and they're also emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, and waving red flags like they're directing traffic at the freaking airport. But you feel that familiar pull. You wanna pursue them. You wanna see where it goes. Maybe this time it'll be different.

And here's the really important part. You don't have to make that desire disappear. You don't have to convince yourself they're unattractive.

Daniela Tempesta [00:13:50]:

You don't have to wait until you've healed every attachment wound you've ever had. You just need to recognize, oh, here's my yellow light. Here's that familiar urge. And now I have a choice. Because wanting something and choosing something are not the same thing.

You can want someone and still decide not to pursue them. You can feel intense chemistry and still recognize that that situation isn't healthy for you. You can be disappointed, frustrated, sad, and still make a decision that aligns what's actually good for your life.

Daniela Tempesta [00:14:20]:

The goal isn't to stop wanting, it's to stop automatically responding to wanting. And that is a skill we can practice.

Now, you might be thinking, okay, great, but what happens when I see the yellow light and I really, really, really, really, really wanna hit the gas? Great question, because recognizing that you have a choice doesn't necessarily make choosing differently easy.

Set Your Guardrails Before You Need Them

And this is where I think we need to stop relying on willpower alone. One of the most useful things we can do is to establish some guardrails for ourselves before we're emotionally invested in someone. In other words, make certain decisions before you're standing in front of a person you're wildly attracted to.

Let's go back to my own example. This man was still living with his soon-to-be ex-wife.

Daniela Tempesta [00:15:02]:

Now, I could have had a very clear boundary that I don't date people who are still living with their spouses. Not, I'll be careful. Not, oh well, let's see how things develop. Not, well, technically they're separated and the situation is complicated and he says he's gonna move out soon and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No. I don't date people who are still living with their spouses, period. That's a behavioral boundary.

And the important piece is that you need to make the decision before seeing the shiny object, because once we're emotionally invested and that oxytocin is flowing, we are remarkably good at finding reasons why this particular situation deserves an exception.

Daniela Tempesta [00:15:39]:

Maybe he is really different. Maybe the connection is too special to walk away from. And listen, any one of those things might be true, but that's not the point. The point is that you've already decided what kind of situation you are willing to participate in, and you don't need to renegotiate that decision every time someone attractive comes along.

An Intention Versus a Behavioral Commitment

I think this is a really important distinction. Saying, I want a healthy relationship, is an intention. Saying, I won't date someone unless they can give me the type of relationship I want, is a behavioral commitment. And commitments are much more useful when they tell us what we're actually going to do.

Daniela Tempesta [00:16:14]:

This doesn't mean you need to create a rigid checklist of superficial requirements and refuse to deviate from it, but it does mean identifying the things that genuinely matter to your wellbeing and then be willing to honor them even when doing so is inconvenient or not fun. Even when the person is super attractive, even when the chemistry is incredible, even when part of you is convinced that you're about to miss out on the love of your life.

Because the goal isn't to become someone who never feels tempted to make an unhealthy choice. It's to become someone who has a plan for what to do when that temptation inevitably shows up.

When the Healthier Choice Feels Worse

And this brings me to what I think is probably the hardest part of all of this. Sometimes hitting the brakes actually feels worse than hitting the gas, at least in the moment. Think about it. If you're feeling anxious because someone hasn't texted you back, reaching out might give you some relief.

Daniela Tempesta [00:17:04]:

If you're longing for someone who is unavailable, seeing them might temporarily make that longing go away. If you're afraid of losing a relationship, compromising a boundary might make you feel a little more secure for a while. So the behavior we're trying to change is often doing something for us. It's relieving an uncomfortable feeling. And when we stop engaging in that behavior, we have to experience the discomfort that we've been trying to avoid.

And this is where a lot of people get stuck. They make the healthier choice and then they feel terrible. They miss the person.

Daniela Tempesta [00:17:34]:

They feel anxious. They start second-guessing themselves and they think, if this was the right decision, why does it feel so awful?

But here's something I really want you to understand. The fact that a healthier choice feels uncomfortable doesn't mean it's the wrong choice. Sometimes it just means it's unfamiliar. It means you're giving up something you genuinely wanted. And maybe it means you're tolerating an emotion that you previously had to make go away by doing something that wasn't good for you. And that's hard, but it's also where change happens.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Psychological Flexibility

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which is one of the approaches I use in my work, we talk a lot about psychological flexibility.

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Essentially, it's the ability to experience difficult thoughts and feelings without automatically allowing them to dictate our behavior. It's learning to say, I can feel anxious and not immediately seek reassurance. I can feel lonely and not reach out to someone who isn't good for me. I can feel attracted to someone and not pursue them.

You Don't Have to Do This Perfectly

And here's something else important. You don't have to do this perfectly. Maybe you decide you're not gonna text someone and then you text them anyway. Okay.

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That doesn't mean you failed. It just means you're human. The question becomes, what happened? What was I feeling? What was I hoping that behavior would do for me? And what could I practice differently next time?

Because changing an old pattern isn't just one big decision. It's a series of small decisions, often made while you still desperately wanna do the opposite. You decide not to pursue the unavailable person. Then they text you. Yellow light moment. You decide not to respond.

Daniela Tempesta [00:19:08]:

Then you see something that reminds you of them, and suddenly you're wondering whether or not you made the right choice. Another yellow light moment. Then you start thinking, well, maybe I was too quick to walk away. Maybe things really could have been different. Maybe I should just check in. There's that yellow light again.

And each time you get another opportunity to practice. Not to make the feeling disappear, but to notice it and to decide what to do with it.

A Practice for This Week

Daniela Tempesta [00:19:31]:

So what does this actually look like in real life? I wanna give you something practical to take away from this episode.

Step 1: Get Clear and Set Guardrails

First, I want us to get clear on what you want and then establish some guardrails. Okay? So think about a pattern in your life that you'd like to change, something where your impulses or emotions have a tendency to get you in trouble. Maybe it's pursuing emotionally unavailable people. Maybe it's overworking. Maybe it's people pleasing. Whatever it is, ask yourself, what do I actually want instead? So take a minute just to think about that.

And once you've got something in mind, I want you to think about establishing some guardrails that'll help you get there.

Daniela Tempesta [00:20:12]:

For example, let's say your goal is to find a healthy, committed relationship, right? One of your guardrails might be, I'm not going to date someone who tells me they don't want anything serious. Sounds obvious and straightforward, right? But then you meet someone, you're super attracted to them, and they tell you they're not looking for a relationship, and suddenly your brain starts negotiating. Well, maybe they'll change their mind, but the chemistry is so amazing. And you know, maybe you do have amazing chemistry with them, but if your goal is a committed partnership, pursuing someone who's explicitly told you they don't want that is not moving towards your goal.

Take another example. Maybe your challenge is overworking and you want more work-life balance, right? Like that's the goal, the desire. So you establish a guardrail around not checking emails on night or weekends. So the point is to make these decisions before you're caught in the emotions of the moment.

Daniela Tempesta [00:21:06]:

So you're not renegotiating the boundaries every time the temptation shows up. You decide what the guardrails are ahead of time.

Step 2: Notice the Urge and Make Room for the Discomfort

Okay. So the second step after we've set some guardrails up is to notice the urge and make room for the discomfort.

When you feel yourself wanting to basically tear down one of those guardrails, pause. Notice what's happening. I'm really attracted to this person and I wanna pursue them even though I know they can't gimme what I'm looking for. Or I really wanna check my work email because I'm anxious about what might be waiting for me.

Daniela Tempesta [00:21:40]:

Don't judge yourself for having the urge. This is really important. Just notice it and don't assume you have to do something about it.

Instead, try giving yourself a little space between the feeling and your response. Put your phone down, take a few slow breaths. Notice what the discomfort actually feels like in your body. Can you describe it? Maybe it's a tightness in your chest or a knot in your stomach, or just this like restless feeling, like you wanna crawl out of your skin, like you need to just do something. And rather than trying to make that feeling disappear, see if you can just simply acknowledge it.

Daniela Tempesta [00:22:14]:

Say to yourself, I'm feeling really anxious right now. I really wanna do this, but I don't have to. Maybe give yourself 10 minutes before making any decisions. Go for a walk, get some fresh air, or just continue doing whatever you were doing before. Maybe the urge will get quieter. Maybe it won't. The important thing is that you're practicing having the feeling without automatically obeying it. Because remember, you're not trying to eliminate the desire.

Daniela Tempesta [00:22:39]:

You're learning that you can want something without having to act on it. And again, it's so important. Do not judge yourself for having this desire come up. And don't judge yourself if you're not able to stick with the guardrail, right? This is all a practice.

Step 3: Make a Choice That Aligns With What You Want

And third, make a choice that aligns with what you actually want. This is where you come back to those goals and guardrails you established. Ask yourself, Is what I'm about to do moving me towards the life I want or away from it? And then choose accordingly. Maybe that means not sending the text.

Daniela Tempesta [00:23:11]:

Maybe it means walking away from someone you're incredibly attracted to because they can't offer what you're looking for. Maybe it means closing your laptop even though you still have a million things to do.

And here's the thing, it might not feel good. In fact, it probably won't feel good. It might feel uncomfortable, but you don't have to feel differently to start acting differently.

This doesn't have to be a dramatic life-changing decision. It might just be one small moment where you notice the yellow light and you choose to hit the brakes, and then you practice doing it again and again, because that's how we start changing these patterns, not by waiting until we're no longer tempted, but by learning to make different choices even when we are.

What Growth Actually Looks Like

I wanna come back to something I said earlier.

Daniela Tempesta [00:23:54]:

After that relationship ended, I swore I would never make that mistake again. And I think at the time, part of what I meant was that I would never again be attracted to someone who wasn't good for me. That's cute. You know, that somehow having gone through such a painful experience, I would've learned my lesson so thoroughly that the attraction would disappear. But as we've been talking about, that's not necessarily what growth looks like.

I don't think the goal is to become attracted only to people who make perfect psychological sense for us. I mean, that would be nice, but I don't think it's gonna happen. I also don't think the answer is to decide that chemistry is bad and then spend the rest of our lives searching for someone who makes us feel absolutely nothing.

Daniela Tempesta [00:24:31]:

Boring. That sounds terrible.

I think the goal is a little different. It's learning that attraction is an experience. It's not an instruction. And just because something feels compelling doesn't mean we have to pursue it. We can notice the desire, we can understand where it might be coming from, We can even acknowledge that a part of us really, really wants to act on it. And then we make a choice.

Daniela Tempesta [00:24:54]:

A choice based not on what we want right now, but maybe on what we want our lives to look like long-term. Because ultimately, I think that's what growth is about. Not eliminating every unhealthy impulse, not reaching some magical point of psychological enlightenment where we never feel tempted to repeat an old pattern, but developing the ability to recognize those patterns and respond differently. Even when it's hard, especially when it's hard.

And I can tell you from personal experience that this actually works. After that relationship ended, I didn't suddenly stop noticing burning buildings. I still saw them. I still felt the pull.

A Different Kind of House

Daniela Tempesta [00:25:30]:

I still had moments when I wanted to walk inside, but I started making different choices. I practiced walking past the burning buildings even when part of me wanted to go in, and eventually that meant I was actually available to walk into a very different kind of house, one that felt safe, steady, where I didn't have to constantly wonder where I stood or work so hard to be chosen, one that wasn't actively on fire.

And now I'm in a relationship that feels healthier than the ones I used to find myself drawn to. And I don't think that's because I magically stopped having all my old impulses. It's 'cause I got better at recognizing them without automatically acting on them. Because you can understand why you keep hitting the gas, but at some point, if you want a different outcome, you have to practice hitting the brakes.

Wrapping Up

If there's someone in your life that you think could benefit from this episode, please share it with them. And if you found this episode helpful, please rate and review the show.

Daniela Tempesta [00:26:23]:

It really helps other potential listeners join in on the conversation.

And lastly, let me know what you're working on. What behavior are you trying to change? What guardrails are Are you trying to set up? What do you think might be the hardest about making that change? All my contact info is in the show notes, and I'd love to hear from you. Thanks for being here.